heartbroken

 There's a letter I want to write to her.  But then I don't want to stir anything up.  

I would say:

Lindsay, I didn't answer you because I knew it was a set up.  I knew you would take anything I said and try and cause shit.  Just like you did with the boots. Just like you did taunting me on IG.  And it worked with the boots; I told him my suspicions and he broke up with me.  Now, why?  At the time I  ... well I had a thousand thoughts about why.  But now I realize it's because every time I said something about you he knew that he was full of lies that I was unaware of.  

so.  many.  lies.  

And you should feel so respected.  You knew some of the truth.  I didn't know any of it.  None.  I didn't know about you.  When I did and I noticed how he was drooling all over you I said something because I didn't get those reactions on social media from him.  And when I got them from someone else he tried to make me feel bad for "looking for attention."  Did you ever get shamed?  No?  Congratulations.  And when he was with you - as far as I know he wasn't with anyone else.  Felt the need to break up with you before being with me again. OH!  and break up with you in person face to face.  I never got that.  Not one time.  It was always by text or on the phone.  He was never concerned about when or what was going on for me.  He never felt that I needed to be able to be comforted.  He would ice me out for weeks - sometimes months at a time.  

He knew I wasn't with anyone else.  He worried that I would be but I wasn't and I told him that over and over and I proved it.  I told every detail of everything I did to him.  Who I talked to - how many sentences, when ... 

And just what would I get out of wanting him to pretend to be single.  He wanted to pretend to be single because 1.  he always said I would leave him for someone else and I countered that he would be the one to do that and I was right.  He couldn't handle knowing that I was right.  and 2.  because after a couple of weeks he started to try and get back together with me.    I mean make no mistake about it - he's always single.  Even if he says he isn't.  When he told me about being with you... well, that is the part I didn't want to get into which is another reason I didn't answer you.  I don't want to gossip about you or him - I want to say how I feel, what I went through.

I didn't know about you.  He told me he was faithful. He told me he didn't want anyone else.  I found condoms in 2020.  He initially lied to my face.  The next day he told me it was one person, one time.  Then at the end of 2021 he was dating someone else.  I also knew that he chatted with a few women dec. 2019 and that he propositioned an ex July 2019.  That's it.  That concert that had me look at your story? I was supposed to go.  He said inviting you was as our of the moment thing and that it wasn't a date.  OH!  and I found out he took you and not the male friend he said he was taking when I stumbled across the picture of you two cuddled up together.  Then he was infuriated with me for being upset about that.  You both acted like I was crazy.  But then you both seem to be mean hearted quite often.  So then I looked at your story and all of a sudden I was crazy?  Really?  Cuz if you were just friends then what's the issue.  And you wanted me to look.  And I did.  All your pictures of your love --  all the things I had wanted.

He kept breaking up with me because I wouldn't be monogamous.  Only I was monogamous.  I just thought it was unrealistic to say I'll never be with anyone else.  And one would think he would have agreed with me on that point since he was with so many goddamn people.  I had no fucking clue.  

The gravity of that is weighing and weighing and the sobbing won't stop.  How did I ... I was never blind before.  Of course I've never been involved in anything this crazy before.  And that's the thing - it all seems to be so normal to you guys - the lying and cheating and backstabbing.  

OH!!  and I'm too dramatic.  But apparently the fact that you threaten to kill yourself on a regular basis isn't too dramatic. 

And by the way - this supposed narcissist told him to check on you because the posting of you killing yourself worried me.  

It's hard to not feel like I was targeted.  It's hard to have been discarded as many times as I was and remain intact.  

More later. I truly hope this gets me somewhere.  healing wise.